the irony that is "difficultly simple"

life... well.. MY life is an ongoing oxymoron. a series of ironic randomness that make up my every days. easy is never the adjective to describe me (yeah... in ALL aspects wink wink). i'd like to say, being a little complicated has its perks, gives you the license to reinvent yourself. but most of the time, its just... hmmm complicated.

my love affair with difficulty is just as dragging as my relationship with commitment phobia... stupid as it sounds. i do not know how it is to be simple. everything is abstract and never concrete. maybe that explains why i hate math and logic.

my family quit deciphering, the boylet always expects the unexpected... maybe loving does not always mean understanding, its more of accepting who you are, and who you're not.

so now... in all the imperfections i have packed through the years... stress-smoking, career confusion, chronic neurosis, hormonal imbalance, over-thinking, a string of hopeless relationships... commitment phobia...

i hope i get to know what i'd want to be when i grow up...

i don't know what i want

as messed up as it sounds, i go around wanting random things with hopes that it would give me the clue of what step i'd be taking next. it has been a known fact that indeed i am one of the most impulsive people, people i know, know. (did i lose you there?) take for example what the "boylet" says.

okay. segue. cue in introduction. "boylet" is the guy. probably my bestest friend at the moment (or has been for some time now) we are in this "relationship" which i refer to inside quotation marks. for somebody with this humongous fear of commitment, i think i'm doing quite well considering we have been in "this" for more than a year. but true to the nature of my handicap, i never acknowledge the fact that i am "in a relationship" on social networks (which i personally think is outright admittance of whatever-hell-hole-you're-in), petty as it seems. my friends never know what to call him since i never referred to him as a "boyfriend" which i think is branding and qualifying. as understanding as he seems to this abnormality, he has taken his rightful place into my world as somebody who has filled in the position but with no title.

back to what i was saying... being impulsive is fun and scary at the same time. i know i have bouts of stupidity and God knows how often i do, but i go on making these random decisions that have actually shaped my shapeless life. years ago, because of a broken heart, i enrolled myself in post graduate studies since i didnt know what to do next. fortunately the two ana half years went by quickly and because of another epic painful experience (which i will not elaborate here) i took a leap of faith and applied for a job that i wasn't qualified for, nor had any interest in... but miracles of all miracles... i got accepted... was even appointed to be "PERMANENT" which caused  anxiety (and anemia) to scared and poor commitment phobic me. now... four years into this "out of the closet" relationship with my job... i feel that i am in shackles. forced into marriage. bonded. i want out. no... really... i want out. but i get custody of the boylet... he was the best thing that came out of that union.

curing the incurable phobia of commitment

it is like discovering the wonder drug that would miraculously heal people from cancer... or some scary illness like... i dunno...stupidity (?!)

i 'm not sure, but i guess my fear of commitment stems out of probably a string of bad match ups and pseudo-relationships. or maybe even farther than that, somewhere in my childhood perhaps? though i'm not exactly sure.

one thing i got right is that, "commitment" specially long term ones get to me. maybe thats why i become allergic to the word "forever", or the main reason why i dont go to salons and get all stuff done... i hate the maintenance, and the hassle of a routine.

now i'm stuck with no future plans and bad, bad hair.

is back

went on a hiatus for godknowshowlong. is not even sure why i'm here again.